What Hockey Meant

Playing a sport has many different meanings to people dependent on what their ulterior motive is for playing that sport. Whether they are pursuing the sport for the sake of a career, as an escape from reality, or simply for the sheer enjoyment that can be derived from being a part of something bigger. From my experience in sports, I would say that I was trying to escape from the real world in order to feel like I could belong to something larger. I would have a brief stint in baseball that would eventually become solely focused on the sport of hockey. That is not to say that I did not enjoy baseball, but hockey felt more free of constraint. By pursuing hockey for years I was able to not only learn about the outside world, but I was able to figure out more of what hockey had meant to me as a person.

Hockey was not my first love because I was already in baseball and I did not know much of the games existence until my older brother had started to play. Even though this was only his first season and I did not really understand how the game had worked I was captivated and I would start the next year. I was shy and small like most kids that were six years old, but being in the locker room and already experiencing a team sport had allowed me to interact more socially than if the sport was more individually focused. The first season was fun despite losing most of our games that year because most of the team was fairly new. One of the things that has kept that awful season in my head for so long would be that I was able to score my first goal in hockey. I remember scoring the goal off a shot from the slot and then after the game while in the locker room one of my teammates was trying to congratulate me, but I felt embarrassed about it and told him to shut up. When in the moment I was so excited to finally score after most of the season had passed, but I had no idea what to do in terms of celebration as this was new to me. My second season as a hockey player is what would be a catalyst for my development as a player.

I would start to turn into a fanatic for the game at this point as I had a book full of statistics and a copy of NHL 2K5 on the original Xbox to satiate my lust for more hockey knowledge. More importantly I would start my first season as a defenseman. At this level of youth hockey no one was expected to know how to properly play the position. By this I mean knowing how to skate backwards, which is essential to a defenseman as they have to keep everyone in front of them in order to protect the goalie. Despite not needing to learn the skill at this moment in time I did anyways because that was how the professionals had done it on the television and it looked simple enough. Turns out I already liked to run backwards so I was able to ease myself into this fairly quick. Being the oldest player on the team I was able to lead by example, but during the championship it was my youngest teammate that was able to capture the game for us. I knew that the kid was good, but looking back on it I can see why he has a shot at playing professionally still. This season had helped for me to define myself as a more defensive style player because that is where I was most comfortable because I was able to gather my thoughts more clearly instead of rushing myself.

The next year we would get a new hockey director in Joliet named Mike Breslin, who I will never forget. This man I still believe was one of the best things to happen to our club as I had not made the switch to travel hockey yet, but he saw me play and took an interest in me. He would bring me up to practice with the top team at the Squirt Level (8-9 years old) one day. The practice gave me a taste of better talent that would sour my tastes for the current level I was at and at the end we had a shooting contest. The net would feature four targets in each corner and the goal was to hit as many in four shots. I ended up hitting two out of four targets and won the shooting contest. To win against people that I felt far outclassed me gave me a great confidence booster and was a bigger reason as to why I would move on to travel hockey so fast and never look back. I regret some of the actions that would occur afterwards as I would begin to shun my own teammates that I had bonded with already because I was making new and better friends. I cannot go back and say I am sorry as the conflict is long gone into the past and I am not even aware that anyone really remembers my ridiculous actions. I guess my humble act had begun to crumble as the weak held people down in the competitive sports world.

My school life had begun to also change during this span of two years as a squirt as I would move across town and attend a different school where I coincidentally knew someone who had also moved to the same school from a school program that I did. I did not really feel that I fit in too much at the new school, but I had hockey to fall back onto because I was already becoming disinterested in baseball at this point. Even when school was not going so well I was able fall back onto the sport that I love. Being a more niche sport at the time, hockey was a conversation starter for me in school and it helped me be more open about myself when talking about it. I would not notice this until years later that I used hockey as a crutch as well because I could always rely on hockey to be there when I was down. I would get this feeling when my grandfather would pass away on March 27, 2009.

Although playing hockey had helped me to cope with the death of my grandfather, it was simply not enough. I felt lost for a time as I was becoming restless over the fact that a man that was a significant part of life was now gone. Just the thought of never seeing him was enough for me to question God because this was one of the first times that I had to deal with death. With not knowing what direction to take my emotions I ended up turning to the ice rink to solve my depression over this matter that I had no answers for. It was not until recently that I realized that I have accomplished so much in his absence that he never got to experience and never will experience. That notion shakes me to my very core just thinking about it because I just wish that there was more time. All I wanted was to show him how far I had come from being this little kid that could barely skate to someone was able to play alongside his brother on a championship team or be recognized by his hockey club in his last season. Hockey did not have all the answers that I was looking for, but it was a way to escape from the thoughts that made me feel horrendous.

Being awkward in middle school did not help my crutch that was placed on hockey as for two years I did not belong anywhere and I felt like an outcast. The students became more of a lost cause to me and I felt that I could barely trust teachers enough. So in turn I fell back into my comfort zone that was hockey and essentially refused to come out of my shell in school. I could not see the value in anything around me that was not hockey and the effect was that I saw all extroverted activities as roadblocks in my hockey endeavors. I also put the blame on wearing glasses as a reason as to what was wrong with me and now I almost exclusively wear contacts when out in public exclusively. The thought of making these excuses now seems odd, but contacts at least helped to boost my confidence while hockey seemed to keep me held back.

In high school I had kept this mindset of only focusing on myself, school, and hockey. I could not find a reason to be swept up in anything outrageous like having a social life outside of school.

For the most part I had felt great throughout high school where I was able to win one championship with my brother and then win the next year on my own, but barely anyone knew that. This tore me up as we were playing under the school, but would not be recognized by our own school. The effect from this was that barely anyone would know that our hockey team was even winning let alone existing. This thought was aggravating to say the least because the school was more focused in a losing football team that could barely make playoffs and was ignoring varsity hockey team that was winning under their name. It also did not help that people would not believe that I played with my small body type and would try to stereotype the game that I had worked so hard at. They almost made me want to fight them for thinking that I could not handle myself on the ice while also showing that they really have no idea what they are talking about. But I would not be bothered too much by these small comments when I was slowly scaring myself into retirement.

In hockey there was only one injury that had truly put the fear of God into me and that was getting a concussion. Being a person that loved to learn new things and remember the experiences vividly, I was absolutely terrified at the thought of getting a concussion because there was the chance of memory loss or never waking up again. I got a taste of this fear during my sophomore year when I received a small head injury that took me out of a travel game. This only lasted the night, but I was shaken at the thought that the injury could have been much worse. The pain would subside after some rest that night. The damage to my mental health would be even greater as I would always be reminded during every game that this could happen again and I was not completely safe.

My senior year was able to capture more of this fear as I suffered a concussion on hit in a tournament in either New York or Michigan. This lasted for almost a week, but this time the pain was much more apparent as I tried to stay home from school. My mom did not believe me and so I was forced to attend school with a concussion. This was the most difficult experience that I have ever had in school as I could not focus on any material. Just the thought of trying to think about anything was difficult and painful to say the least. This experience would be a leading reason as to why this would be my last season. I had feared myself into an early retirement because I could not guarantee my own safety because the sport was still trying to figure out how to protect the professionals let alone the kids.

I still find solace in hockey as a sport that continually grabs my attention as I come back to Joliet in order to watch the oldest team play games. This is mostly because I enjoy getting to talk to old teammates, but more importantly I get to talk my favorite coach, Griffin. Even though we just talk about what has been going on since we last talked, it is something that I look forward to because I respect him as both a coach and a role model. This would be the stage that I would still try to use hockey as a way to cope with the loss of a loved one. It happened on February 26, 2017, a day that will remain in infamy for the rest of my life as one of the worst moments of my existence. A day that I would end up breaking down emotionally on the way back home even knowing that I had class the next day, the day that my dog died.

The start of the day was filled with overwhelming sadness as my dog, Taz, had passed away during his sleep after sixteen years and a battle with cancer that would slowly take away his ability to function normally. The sight of him in the weeks before was painful to look at as it was clear that his life was not for this world and his complexion was becoming like that of a skeleton. I had already spent the night before watching the family dogs while my parents and brother were away. The constant agonizing pain was growing for this small dog as he was constantly wailing throughout the night. I can remember it clearly as I laid closely, caressing him as he laid there trying to keep on fighting until the pain had become too much for him to bear. My philosophy for dealing with the whirlwind emotions before his death was to never show him any sign that he was dying or changing. I wanted him to remember me as someone that loved him for who he was no matter what. I did not want for him to feel anything less than happiness in my presence. After he died, I would go with my brother to cheer on my former coach, Griffin, and my former team with some new additions as they played for the Northern Illinois Hockey League Championship that was always held in Joliet.

I did my absolute best to mask my emotions once again as I told nobody about what I had endured that weekend because at this moment it was time for hockey. I was just trying my hardest to escape from the negativity even if it was just for a couple of hours. I also never had the heart to tell anyone how much that game was going to mean for me because I did not want to put even more pressure than they were already feeling at that moment in time. It seemed that fate was feeling differently from what I had wanted to experience as I could tell from the start that they were flat and not up to the task from the opening puck drop. For what felt like an eternity I had to hope that they get out of the funk that they were in as they went down early in the game and never really came back in the end. This would mark up another loss in a championship game for my former coach and a shattering of hope for me as well. I was so upset at the display of effort and loss that after the buzzer signalled the end of the game that my brother and I left. I had no words for them and they most certainly did not want to hear what I had to say about the performance on the ice. The ride home is where I would begin to unravel at the seams of my own mental state.

I can clearly remember getting McDonald’s that my thought would probably cheer me up. It consisted of a ten piece McNugget with fries and a chocolate shake. I lost my appetite after a bit into the car ride to Chicago and had resorted to listening to music. The song was MY LIBERATION by NANO from an anime called Chain Chronicle that I was watching at the time. As soon as the song started everything had caught up with me and hit me like a speeding bullet with the force of the world lying upon me as I broke down after holding my emotions in all day. This was the first time that I had ever yelled out of pain and sadness, I cried for a couple of minutes before regaining my composure. The emotional burden did not let me go so easily, I could not eat anything for the rest of the night or even the next day. My appetite was gone and I was crying myself to sleep for the next couple of nights. I have only told close friends this story and also wrote about it once because trying to write about it is painful and depressing.

The event would allow me to not rely on hockey solely to get through these emotional struggles because sports do not have all of the answers. Trying to give others the task of giving me back my joy was not ignorant nor foolish, but was filled with hope and uncertainty. By doing so I had set myself up for a hard road ahead that would be filled with stress and sadness before receiving the light to get out of the darkness. As much as I would have liked to come out of that day unscathed from the emotional scars, that was inevitable only to be made worse by aspirations that relied on others to help pull me out without putting in any effort myself. That decision would not lead me to the brighter future that I so desired in the end.

Now I do not use hockey as a crutch anymore to hide from my problems, but I use it as just an escape from what I am currently doing. The difference is that I am not hoping to have otherworldly changes because I went to a hockey game or watched one on television, but as a form of entertainment. This has also left me with the option to pursue other endeavors as well ,whether it is reading or video games, more frequently as a way to deal with the problems of the world by either going into a new world experiencing a story that I have seen many times before with new context.

I do not regret my experience with hockey and the way that it has shaped my being because the sport had taught me many new ideas outside of playing that I might never have been able to experience without joining. I do wonder what life without hockey would have been like for me due to my lack of social interaction and own insecurities. This dark path could have very well been the lightest path on my journey that was filled with joy and sadness. Alas this will probably end with no explanation of what could have been or what does not happen as technology will probably not expand to such a degree as discovering multiple timelines to a single person. In the end this sport gave me purpose and I did not turn my back on it even when it turned on me. For that I am pleased to say that what hockey meant to me was something more than a sport. This was a lifestyle that many people do not partake in, but with a rise in popularity can be a stepping stone for people to expand their horizons. To look past the surface and see what is behind the veil that has enraptured so many to make it more than just a sport.